Following my bliss?

First Deconstruction Photo Session, Topanga Beach

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In my last blog entry I included the photo from my practice session. I had just received the remote for my camera and wanted to check it out.  I did so in my backyard.  Now I had to commit to doing a photo session somewhere else. I didn't know why, but I knew I wanted to wear white for this series and after some procrastination one day I said, this is it, and I went through my closet rummaging through any white clothes I had, which was pretty minimal.  Finally, I found the white dress I wore for my wedding in Kauai in 2006 and decided to do the first session wearing it. 

After getting the nerve up, I drove to a beach that we take our dogs to in Topanga. Took my tripod and camera and walked down to the ocean.  It was mid week so there weren’t a lot of people.  I set my camera up and discovered that I left my remote at home. So… I did the next best thing and used the timer.  I set it on 10 seconds and then ran down to the ocean.  I didn’t focus my camera so by the time I got into place, the shutter fired and the image was blurred.  I really liked it that way and took several more photographs with that setting and then I did a little bit of focusing to get a clearer image.  I’m still undecided about which I like better.  At first I liked the blurred, because it seemed representative of how I was feeling about so much in my life, confused and unclear about my path in life.

I used to love to twirl in the sand at the beach.

I thought about calling this series “Self-portrait in White” but to me, these images were more than self-portraits and that title was kind of non-descriptive so I decided to call this series Deconstruction, with the sub title, Self-portrait in White, because that is what this process in my life feels like.  As I deconstruct the life that “was” I am reconstructing a life that “is.” And when I say ‘life”, that is just a safe way of stating; I am deconstructing and reconstructing 'me'.  This brings a beautiful quote by Joseph Campbell to mind, “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” What does that mean?  Good question.  To me, it means a good long and honest look at myself.  Where is there suffering in my life and why do I consistently get in the way of allowing prosperity and consistent joy into my life or as JC would put it, my bliss? 

The more I delved into this process, the more I felt like a severely shaken snow globe, pieces floating every which way and falling to the ground in slow motion. The truth is, I still do, but I am now able to glean glimpses of the peace that comes with full acceptance of my “self.” I have to admit, I feel vulnerable sharing this information, but at the same time, I feel compelled to share this process and my hope is that anyone who is going through a similar phase or process will not feel alone and perhaps even encouraged to reconstruct their “Self” too. I will share what I am learning from the teachers I am studying from and from the road I am on now.  To close up today's entry I will share a thought I have been pondering: It is one thing to have a desire to be noticed, but it is a completely different thing, to let yourself be seen, truly seen, by your own eyes first.