Music can take you on a journey, make you laugh, cry and touch the deepest part of your soul. So can a photograph. I come to photography as a musician, attracted to visual narratives that define an unsuspected beauty in a specific place in time. I am a champion of the overlooked, and see my photography as a way to research, create change and inject some beauty into the world.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Do I Have to Kill Myself?
Deconstruction, Self-portrait in White
Cathedral Park, Portland, OR
The concept of killing my
has crossed my mind.There have been
times when I have been so confused and so down that if a meteor came out of the
sky and hit me on the head and took me to the next plane, that I wouldn’t mind.
No, I never plotted a suicide… at least, not a bodily one.I just didn’t want to be “here” like “that.”The more I learned about my “self” and my “ego”
the more I thought that I just might have to kill it.But lately, I’ve been looking at all this in
a different way.I am being taught to
have compassion for my ego/self.Now,
when a destructive or sabotaging thought comes into my head, I stop and realize
that it is my ego. Then I kind of talk to my ego (in my head, mostly) the way I
would talk to a little girl who is acting out because she is afraid or wants love.So maybe, it is not about killing anything,
but loving it so much that it feels less threatened. I have always had a really hard time accepting less than perfect or wounded aspects of myself…
until now and I can feel a big difference in my life. How can I expect others
to love me unconditionally or me love them that way, when I can’t even love myself that way?And, if I only love what I perceive to be good about me, well, that’s
conditional.Sometimes, when I do my
gratitude list, after all the “obvious” blessings, I list those things about me
that I would otherwise beat myself up for… ie: my jealousy, my selfishness, my
immaturity, my insecurity… and it makes me smile and feel loved in a way that I
have really never known. I am happiest when I can feel grateful for it all, the good, bad and the ugly... it's truly all beautiful.
Here are a couple of videos of Byron Katie (click on Byron Katie) that I found extremely helpful on this journey. Hope you enjoy them too.