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| Deconstruction, Self-portrait in White |
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| Cathedral Park, Portland, OR |
The concept of killing my
“self”
has crossed my mind. There have been
times when I have been so confused and so down that if a meteor came out of the
sky and hit me on the head and took me to the next plane, that I wouldn’t mind.
No, I never plotted a suicide… at least, not a bodily one. I just didn’t want to be “here” like “that.” The more I learned about my “self” and my “ego”
the more I thought that I just might have to kill it. But lately, I’ve been looking at all this in
a different way. I am being taught to
have compassion for my ego/self. Now,
when a destructive or sabotaging thought comes into my head, I stop and realize
that it is my ego. Then I kind of talk to my ego (in my head, mostly) the way I
would talk to a little girl who is acting out because she is afraid or wants love. So maybe, it is not about killing anything,
but loving it so much that it feels less threatened. I have always had a really hard time accepting less than perfect or wounded aspects of myself…
until now and I can feel a big difference in my life. How can I expect others
to love me unconditionally or me love them that way, when I can’t even love myself that way? And, if I only love what I perceive to be good about me, well, that’s
conditional. Sometimes, when I do my
gratitude list, after all the “obvious” blessings, I list those things about me
that I would otherwise beat myself up for… ie: my jealousy, my selfishness, my
immaturity, my insecurity… and it makes me smile and feel loved in a way that I
have really never known. I am happiest when I can feel grateful for it all, the good, bad and the ugly... it's truly all beautiful.
Here are a couple of videos of Byron Katie (click on Byron Katie) that I found extremely helpful on this journey. Hope you enjoy them too.
I think it was Marilyn Monroe who said, "If you can't take me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." True for how we love ourselves, too.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Robbie.
ReplyDeleteAmen Destiny and and Amen Marilyn! Thank you both, Donna and Destiny for your comments... always appreciated.
ReplyDeletethank you Robbie for these wise word.
ReplyDeletealessandra eucalipto
I think you have been in my head and my heart. I want to die and figure no one will miss me. I want to blow away like a leaf that has fallen from a tree and drown in a puddle left by the snow. Then something changes and I want to play dress up with my grand daughter and tickle bug with my grandson and I am so glad I am alive. Your words as your photos touch a spot inside me that I can not explain but I know I am honored to have you to remind me that I am human...and I am good.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Alessandra, thank you so much for taking the time to read these words. I have been laying low on Social Media, so I am happy to connect with you here. And... my sweet anonymous...thank you for sharing your experience, your very human, very beautiful experience. It is me who is honored... Here's to loving it all!
ReplyDeleteEvery time i see your writings, I'm so impressed about how openly you share your feelings and vulnerabilities. Your spirit shines through and draws folks to you. You are amazing, Robbie
ReplyDeleteLaura, thank you for your support on this journey that we share...it means so much and gives me added courage... you are my mirror and inspiration.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your be-you-tiful wisdom, your soulful words reminding me to be more self compassionate w/ my inner monsters that scare to teach me to care more about loving me wholeheartedly. Robbie your gorgeous illustrated blog truly helps us find eachother, hold hands, and learn to live the message of loving what is, unconditionally. ❤
ReplyDeleteThank you sweet Michiko... for finding me! It is an ongoing journey, this loving of oneself... I don't think I'll ever master it, but it feels great to be on the road! xo
ReplyDelete