Monday, May 6, 2013

Am I Childless?

As I continue to deconstruct…  I was recently in New York visiting my family. Unfortunately, my father had fallen and broken his pelvis and I went there to see him and help out.   Going back always brings up triggers and memories and habitual slush, but this time was different. I’m conflicted today, should I write about “family” or about the questions I ask myself around motherhood, and why I never had children?  They kind of coincide…since while I was home and staying with my family, I got to visit with my 3 year old niece and 18-month-old nephew.  
 
Photo: by: Heather Swan, Amazing Mom
 In the mornings, my niece and I brushed our teeth together and then she’d come into our room and pick out clothes for me to wear.  Then she watched me put on make-up and I'd brush my hair and then hers.  And when I put on some perfume she asked if she could have some too.  When I put on blush, she asked if she could have some too.   One night we watched a movie together, “Brave” and cuddled on the couch as we shared a bowl of popcorn.  We really bonded this trip and when they dropped us off at the airport she started to cry…  and I had to hold my own tears back too.  I really haven’t had the opportunity to be around too many young children in my life. I worked with toddlers in a mommy and me music class but that was about it. 

I often grapple with the fact that I never had children of my own. When I was younger, I was sure that I would have six, yes six, kids.  I wanted a big family. I have an older brother who went to college after high school, and a younger step-brother who I never lived with and I kind of grew up like an only child… but I constantly hung out with other kids who had bigger families.  I was thought to be the 5th Esposito in my friend June’s family, with 2 sisters and a brother.  I was there just about ever Sunday for dinner…sleeping over all the time… and the one time I “ran away” my mother knew exactly where to find me… the Esposito’s house.  I loved the yelling, the laughing, the fighting, the borrowing clothes… everything about it and I think it was then that I decided that someday I would have a big family too.  Only that day never came.

I was that girl on the T-Shirt exclaiming, “Oh Noooo, I forgot to have kids!”  And by the time I met my second husband, he already had 3 kids and didn’t want another… and so it was.  I work so hard on not regretting anything in this life time… (Thank you Edith Piaf!) but I think if I were to be honest, I would have this one regret… that I didn’t get to experience carrying a baby in my body, or hold my baby in the morning and at night, or feed my baby… or play with my baby…or hold my baby when its crying or protect it when I thought it was in danger or watch it grow and share my life with them… and these days, so many people make reference to what it feels like to be a mother as an example of that kind of special love… and I feel a little left out.

I made my choices though… and I chose to have the life I had… and I guess it’s always greener, etc. etc… but now I have the privilege of loving other people’s babies and giving what I could have given my own… to them… with all my heart.  And sometimes, I feel awkward, because I tell myself that people don’t see me as a “mom” yet I know I have always had maternal instincts, nurturing instincts, though I was too immature to recognize them for a long time.  They are surprised (in my mind) to see me interact with kids… simply because I don’t have any. But that’s probably just a story I have in my head… and I don’t let it stop me from loving my nieces and nephews, step kids…and kids of our friends… I get to spoil them like an aunt, and sing to them, make them laugh.  So no, I am not motherless… and I truly believe, that we are all mothers… caretakers of something or someone, I believe all women are. 

Well...
I guess I leaned towards writing about motherhood.  May be a good time since Mother’s Day is just around the corner.  Happy Mother’s Day to every woman, for every woman is a mother on some level.

10 comments:

  1. This is a lovely share, thank you.

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  2. Thank you for sharing the journey Serenity Writer! Appreciate you being here... Robbie

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  3. Thank you for sharing. I feel the same... I'm not mather (maybe one day? dont know...) but I have work when I can play with kids, my passion is hawaian massage Lomi Lomi Nui and new borne baby... I'm a teacher. I can to teach parents haw to give massage to baby. For me its magical moments. Also in my work I'm touching others and I'm sending them love and I always feel touched when I can be with somebody in that space where is only body, soul and emotions and God...I feel like mothet then, I want to soothe theirs bodys and souls.

    When I see kids we always have conection :) maybe becaouse my inner childe always wants to play :) so... I understand your feelings. I can give love, maybe more than if I would have my own childe? I can share my love with them unlimited. And they my greatest teachers... :)

    I'm sending you love and hugs
    Agnes

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    1. Agnes, I've been thinking of you! So great to hear from you and read your beautiful words, as always. Your amazing energy comes right through this page and anyone who comes in contact with it, with you! is blessed. Thank you for your courage in sharing your true feelings, I so admire it.

      I am in New York dealing with a family health emergency and reading your words put so much warmth in my heart. You are a great teacher as wel... Love and Light, Robbie

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    2. Oh so nice :) I have grate time full of joy with teenage girl who visited me. She is very sensitive and I'm happy that I have that time with her. I can learn from her :) We spended full day one the sea, walking, talking like best friend, she gave me advice about men :) so smart... She is my guru! We have so big conection and I'm so surprised her wisdom... That girl have health problems and when she is talking about her health condition I admire her strenght... She is smiling :) I can only learn...She is teaching me humility, even to pain ...
      I hope that your situation will be fine soon. I'm sending you right now love and light and big warm hug :)

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  4. PS Today again I was a kid. Swung on a swing! Freedom! :) I let go all the tension (for now I hope :)) Wind was playing with my hair. I was so happy among other children, even adults were smiling looking at me :) it was worth it for so many smiles! :) So now I'm sending you my free wersion :) (till my mind will do more noise again :))

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  5. Robbie, I'm thinking of you since morning... Don't know why?... Hope you are fine and your family health emergency is no more emergency.
    I wish you light and nice talking with your angels. They are waiting for some play with you :) Have wonderful day!
    Agnes

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  6. Agnes, You are amazing! What is your email so we can correspond that way? Thank you for reminding me of my angels! Love to you! Robbie

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  7. :-)
    akawula@gmail.com
    Love to you and soft hug for you from my angels :)
    Agnes

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