Well… we did it. We finally moved to the country. This New York girl is now living amongst
vineyards and horse ranches. I walk
around the corner to get my mail. I wake
up and hear roosters and horses. I smell
hot pine in the heat of the summer and I go for my morning walks on acres
donated by the Mills family with a view of beautiful fields of grapevines and
corrals and old giant oak trees. I
haven’t felt this excited about a “place” since I moved to Portland, Oregon and
marveled at the sight of Mt. Hood, The Columbia Gorge and Mt. St. Helens.
It’s been a tricky thing practicing
what Pema Chodron calls “walking in the middle.” By this I mean not getting too attached to
the good OR the bad. I confess I did let
the “good” get to me. Though I knew,
like everything, that would change eventually… and not that things got bad… but
contrast to life appeared…
This whole ride began over a month
ago when we decided to move. We not only
found a house to live in, we connected with our landlords who we already
consider friends… in fact, we came up to drop some things off at the house and
we stayed at their new house and it was so natural and easy. We had dinner and
breakfast together. Then… they had an
open house party at their new place and scheduled so we could be there… to meet
our new neighbors… and we did. We met
all of our neighbors on our block and around the corner and everyone was so
welcoming.
The house we are renting is
beautiful and tranquil and we saved the money we made by selling a lot of
things and bought a used hot tub, something we have wanted for a very very long
time. The owner of the house spent hours
and hours setting up the electrical aspect to make it all work. In the interim, his wife took me to the
magical place I now walk every morning. It’s quiet and green and beautiful and
dog friendly. This is only half of it,
but my point is that I realized that I am having a difficult time feeling worthy
of all this goodness. I have struggled
for so long and I know the feeling of anxiety when I feel out of control, but
never from feeling out of control because good things are happening. I realize that it is this aspect of my
personality that frightened me about being in the music business. I knew, that if I ‘made it” I would have
overdosed or something, because I would have been anesthetizing that feeling of
fear from being so out of my element… struggle.
Obviously my present struggle has to do with feeling worthy of this
newfound environment.
In the midst of all this goodness, I
learned that my step-mom’s prognosis for her cancer was dire… another reason
why it is difficult for me to feel worthy of all this… and my dad and biological mom, who have their
own health challenges… and my brothers who are taking care of everyone there…
while I am here building a new life. I
know they are happy for me and want to see me thrive and I do them as well… but
it all comes down to self-love and self-worth.
I’ve come too far to “change” my life so I know this angst is all a part
of the growth.
And as I looked around our new house, that
is painted mostly all white, I am reminded of the deconstruction I believe is
taking place. I moved from a house where
I painted every room a different color – and rich colors, southwestern colors
and now- by choice, I am living in a house with white walls and ceilings. They represent the clean slate… and new page…
I like looking at them… and letting whatever thoughts I have reflect off of
them… and little by little I am introducing color into the house. My husband has relinquished, for the most part,
the designing of the house to me, even though he really liked the colors of the
old house.
Once again, I am reminded of the
color, or rather, the non-color of white… neutral and only altered when one
adds something to it. And as most know,
I am working on a series “Deconstruction of an Artist” with self- portraits
that I take wearing a white dress. And
the more I remember to get out of the way of the natural evolution of my life,
the more that is revealed, with love and joy…
Obviously I am very sad about the
state of affairs with my family’s health and I see things as more precarious
than ever. It’s a reminder to stay
in the present stay in today… and so… with this, I hope I am one step closer to
letting go of my “blanky” my old torn blanket of struggle which doesn’t serve
me… or ever really has… except for getting me to this point where I am now, more willing to fly higher, even as scared as I am.
